Decisions Of The Broken Hearted
by tjmack1986
Summary: Shawn is faced with his most difficult obstacle in life. Fatherhood.
1. Chapter 1

The lights were dimmed, nearly nonexistent, as he stood with his back to the door-frame. Leaning against it lightly, trying to make no noise, he smiled. It was soft, but sad, as he heard the soft breathing of his young daughter. The eight months that she had been alive, had moved by so quickly, and Shawn feared that she would be all grown up in no time. He could feel time rushing by, just standing there.

Her nursery was an ugly yellow color, the one that her mother had picked out. The memory of that day brought back a weary smile. She hadn't wanted to know the baby's sex, even if Shawn did.

"_Shawn," Abigail whispered softly, "I always told myself that if I ever got pregnant, that I wouldn't ask about the baby's sex. I don't care if the baby is a boy or a girl. All I care about is that he or she is healthy. Besides, yellow is a gender neutral color."_

_Shawn kicked at the floor softly, his hands shoved into his jean pockets. "I get it, Abby, I do. I just would really like to call our child something other than 'the baby'. Besides, this yellow is really ugly … plus, it makes me hungry for eggs." _

_Abigail laughed lightly, playfully hitting Shawn's chest, before cradling her large stomach in her hands. "How about once our child is born, we can repaint the room, something more fitting?" _

_Shawn shrugged, "Of course you would say that." His voice was playful, even though his face said he was pouting. "Myself … and Gus of course, would be doing the repainting." _

The memories were becoming a little less painful as time passed by. There was a faint tan line on Shawn's left ring finger. He had only removed his wedding ring a month and a half earlier, and that had only been at his father's urging.

"_Shawn. I know that you're in pain, and I know that you're having enough trouble raising that baby girl all on your own, but it's time. You'll never be able to move on or forward with that ring on your finger. Abigail isn't coming back, no matter how much you might want her too." _

It had been eight months and two days to the day since she had left him. He had begged, he had pleaded. Tears clouded his vision as he watched her go.

"_You can't do this! Please." His voice was raspy, his throat sore from all the screaming he had done. _

_Abigail didn't speak, she couldn't. Lying in the hospital bed, her eyes lifeless. Her body cold to the touch, and his wailing baby girl laid directly to his left. He knew that he should get up, that he should comfort his child, but he couldn't find the willpower to move. _

_A freak accident, is what the doctor had called it. Abigail hadn't had one ounce of trouble throughout the entire pregnancy, the picture of health throughout the whole ordeal. Even the birth had gone as planned, but something had happened shortly after. _

_She had called out, her voice wary, scared even, as blood started to trickle down her thighs. 'Something is wrong.' It was all she had been able to say, before she lost consciousness. The doctors claimed they did everything they could to save her. To keep her alive, but she was losing blood as fast as they could transfuse in some new blood. _

Shawn sighed, as he heard Maggie start to wake up. He checked his watch, and nodded. It was feeding time. His feet shuffled to Maggie's crib, and he offered his daughter a smile. Grabbing her small body into his arms, he felt the familiar warmth of tears forming in his eyes. It happened almost every time that he looked at Maggie. She looked so much like her mother that it almost took his breath away each time he looked at her.

He knew that one day he would have to explain to Maggie why it was that she didn't have a mommy, and he knew that when that day came, it would break his heart all over again. Shawn had spoken to his father about it once, more recently, how he would be able to explain to his daughter that her mother had died having her. He knew that something like that would break her little heart. That it was a darkness that she would have to carry with her for the rest of her life.

His dad had been a little coy in his answer. _"Sometimes, Shawn, the best answer comes in the moment."_ How in the hell was that supposed to help him? He needed answers, he needed guidance. What he really needed was to understand what exactly had gone wrong, because Shawn knew that he'd never be able to explain to Maggie what had happened to her mother if he didn't even understand it himself.

"Are you hungry, princess?" Shawn whispered, as he patted his fussy baby girl.

It had been Gus that had pointed out how different Shawn was, now that he was a father, opposed to who he had been before Maggie had been born. Hell even the weeks leading up to her birth, Shawn had still been … well, _Shawn_. According to Gus, he was a broken-shell of the man he had been, and Shawn couldn't disagree with Gus. His heart hadn't been into doing anything. He was still on leave from his job at the police station, and he knew that Chief Vick was starting to lose her patience, but he didn't know if he was ready to put his baby girl's life in someone else's hands.

* * *

><p>"I swear, Shawn, she's in perfectly capable hands." Gus whispered, as he checked in on his Goddaughter.<p>

"Really? Says the man that hasn't so much as touched a child... That didn't come out right..."

"I'm pretty sure that you just called me the opposite of Michael Jackson. Which, I'm not sure is more disturbing … or racist … or just really screwed up."

"Let's go with all of the above, and forget I ever said it."

Gus nodded softly, before speaking, "I know that I've never been kid friendly, Shawn, but this isn't just any baby. This is my best friend's little girl .. my Goddaughter .. I'll take good care of her, I swear it."

Shawn sighed, "Alright, but if you weren't my best friend..." Shawn knew he didn't have to finish his sentence. Maggie was the only thing that kept him going most of the time, and everyone around Shawn knew that. "Call me if you need anything … if anything happens, whatever."

"I will." Gus declared, "Now, go. If you don't go back to work, Chief Vick will have your head … and your job."

Shawn nodded, before sparing on last glance at his sleeping daughter. Gripping his helmet tightly in his hand, Shawn turned and moved toward the door. He remembered, vaguely, how Abigail had fought with him over the motorcycle. It was right after she had found out that they were expecting, and she stated that a motorcycle wasn't a safe form of transportation.

"_What are you talking about!?" Shawn had yelled back. _

"_I know you always wear a helmet, Shawn, I do, but who is to say that something happened. I just, I would prefer if you drove something safer. Like a car." _

_Shawn smirked at her, knowing he had this argument in the bag. "Because a car is so much safer than a motorcycle? You can just as easily be severely injured or killed driving a car, than you can riding a motorcycle." _

_Abigail rolled her eyes, but she knew that he was backing her into a corner. "Not just as easily, Shawn." _

"_Babe, trust me, I know how deadly vehicles in general can be. I did my fair share of traffic accidents before my promotion. Cars, trucks, motorcycles … no form of transportation is a fail-safe. They're all dangerous in their own way." _

_Abigail threw her hands up in surrender. She knew there was no way she was going to win this argument. "Fine, but I refuse to identify your body in the morgue." _

Shawn shook his head, trying to clear away the memory, before strapping the helmet to his head. Throwing his leg over the bike, he sat on the seat, before hitting the clutch and hearing the bike roar to life. Aside from holding Maggie in his arms, the only other thing to make him feel anything lately was to sit down on his motorcycle, and going for a small, cleansing ride.

* * *

><p>Chief Vick signed her name at the edge of a piece of paper, when she heard her office door swing open. Even if she hadn't been expecting him, she would have known that it was Shawn Spencer entering her office. He was the only detective brave enough to actually barge into her office without knocking.<p>

"Detective Spencer," Her voice was soft, but Shawn could hear the soft hint of aggravation.

"Look-" Shawn started, but Karen Vick lifted her hand to stop him from continuing.

"Look, Shawn," He knew that he was about to get a life lesson lecture from her when she spoke his first name. It didn't help that Vick had known him since he was a little boy. "I can't even begin to fathom what you're going through. How you must be feeling. That is why I have been so tolerant of your constant avoidance of my phone calls … of your continued missing work, without the proper paperwork. No one should ever go through what you're going through, Shawn, especially not someone of your age. I never got to give you my condolences. I truly like Abigail, and she was able to tame your more wilder side, which I was very appreciative for. I am truly sorry, Shawn, I am."

Shawn sighed, before plopping down in the chair in front of her desk. "Thanks." Shawn mumbled, before running his hands across his face. "I'm sorry, Chief. I know you've put up with a lot of crap from me, and I know that you stuck your neck out for me back in the beginning. No one really wants a cop with a record, and I don't think I ever thanked you for that. I just...I couldn't bring myself to leave Maggie alone with someone else. It took everything in me to leave her alone with Gus today."

Vick nodded, she definitely understood what Shawn was saying. "I wasn't ever ready to leave my children alone with a stranger either, Shawn. Even now, I'm still not sure about it, but I know that I am needed elsewhere. You just have to be sure of one thing, Shawn. That the person you're leaving Maggie with is trustworthy."

Shawn nodded, "I'm ready to come back to work, Chief. I am. I can't sit in that house anymore."

Karen knew that Shawn had been trying to find a buyer for his house for a while now. No one needed to tell her why he wanted to sell his house, she knew. It was hard to move on, to get over something so horrible, when everything around you reminds you of it daily.

"Good...except, Detective Lassiter was injured in the line of duty-"

Shawn's eyebrows raised slightly. Detective Carlton Lassiter was Shawn's partner, and a real hard ass most of the time. "Is Lassie okay?"

Vick shook her head, even in his current state, Shawn had the wherewithal to still annoy the hell out of his partner. "Yes, Lassiter is quite alright. It was a minor injury, but it is enough to keep him out of the field, Detective Spencer. Since you still hadn't returned to work, he was set up to train with our new junior detective. Now, because of his injury, it will be up to you to train our new detective. Do you think you can handle that?"

Shawn shrugged, "I don't see why not. I was trained by _one of the greatest cops in Santa Barbara history_," Shawn said, quoting his father directly.

"Great. She's waiting for you in the bullpen. Her name is Detective Juliet O'Hara."

Shawn's nose wrinkled, "She?"

"Do you have a problem with women detectives?"

Shawn shook his head, "No, of course not! I just- I'm not so comfortable around the 'ladies'."

Karen knew what he wasn't saying, and felt bad for him. "I understand, Detective, but you have your orders."

Shawn nodded, "Thanks for the fifteenth chance, Chief."

"Always." Karen said softly, smiling at him.

* * *

><p>"You must be Detective Carlton Lassiter. You're much younger than I thought you would be."<p>

Shawn chuckled, "Please. I am not one Carlton Lassiter. Lassie actually injured himself, and is stuck on desk duty for the foreseeable future. My name is Shawn Spencer, and I'll be your partner for the foreseeable future."

Juliet smiled softly, "Nice to meet you, Detective Spencer." She stuck her hand out for him to shake.

Shawn cringed, "Please. It's Shawn. No need to be all professional with the names."

"Nice to meet you, Shawn."

"Nice to meet you, Juliet." Shawn smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

A sigh sounded as Juliet stared down at her son. The three year old stared back, a determined look clouded his eyes, as he shoved his thumb into his mouth. A blue blanket flowed out behind him. His blonde hair was sticking up in every which direction.

"Trevor. I said it's time for bed."

Trevor shook his head, "No. No, momma. No bed."

Juliet sighed again, before rubbing her tired eyes. The flight to Santa Barbara from Miami had been exhausting, especially when traveling with a toddler.

"Trevor Marcus Dunn, I said it's time for bed. Please, listen to mommy."

Trevor shook his head again, this time tears welled in his eyes. "Sleep with momma!"

Exhaustion winning out, Juliet nodded, "Yes. You can sleep with mommy." Juliet answered.

She had spent the past five months, since her divorce from Rick, trying to get Trevor to return to his own room to sleep. It had been far harder than she had thought. Not only because she really wanted Trevor close by so she could keep an eye on him, but also because he was still suffering from nightmares. Nightmares about things that he didn't even understand. The only thing he knew was that it had scared mommy, so it had to be bad.

"_Come on, Trev. You know you want to sleep in your big boy bed." Juliet cooed. They were living in a small one bedroom apartment until her transfer order came in. _

_Juliet had given the only bedroom to her three year old son, so she took the couch when night-time rolled around. It had only been three days earlier that she had almost talked Trevor into sleeping in his own bed, when Rick had come pounding on their front door. Juliet hadn't wasted time calling the police, since Rick had broke the restraining order that Juliet had filed. She had tried to tell Trevor that his daddy wouldn't bother them anymore, that they were safe, but it was hard to explain something like that to a three year old. Not to mention the fact that Trevor didn't even understand why he needed to be protected from his father. _

"_No, momma. Sleep with you." _

Juliet had given up then too. Though to be fair, even though she knew that Rick was spending at least a few days in jail at that point, she couldn't be certain that it would stick. It's hard to press charges against a fellow detective, even if that man is your abusive ex-husband.

"_Rick! Listen to me." Juliet cried out as Rick shoved her up against a wall. "Listen to reason. At least think of Trevor. What do you think this is going to do to him?" _

"_Like I give a shit." Rick smirked at her, as his hand connected with her face, hard. _

_Juliet grimaced, rubbing at the spot that Rick had just slapped. She knew that it would bruise in the morning, and that she would be questioned about the bruising, but she had unfortunately become a pro at lying about the marks that Rick left on her. _

_She wasn't stupid, she knew that she had to leave him. If not only for her own sake, then at least for her son's sake. He didn't need to be traumatized for his entire life because he had a piece of shit for a father. _

_Rick hadn't always been that way. He hadn't always been abusive. In fact he used to be a good guy, a great guy. Attentive husband, and when Trevor had been born he had been a great father. Then one night something switched on inside of him. Like there was this monster that was hiding just in the fringes of Rick's mind, and Rick had allowed the monster to come out. That monster now ran their lives. Rick didn't even allow her to go to work. He had made her take a personal leave of absence, and she hated it. She loved working on the force. She loved being a detective. Juliet had worked her ass off to make detective, and now her husband wouldn't even allow her to do something she truly loved. _

"_Rick, please." Juliet cried. _

_She had made up her mind earlier that afternoon that after Rick left for work the next morning, that she was leaving. That she was taking Trevor, and she was leaving. Getting a restraining order and filing for divorce. After all of that, she was going to transfer to another precinct, hopefully on the other side of the country. _

"_Do as I say, and I wouldn't have to hurt you. Dammit, Juliet, why can't you learn!" _

_Juliet yelped as Rick slapped her hard again. "I'm sorry." She gave in. _

Juliet couldn't find it in herself to feel anything about Rick, other than hate. The only good thing that came from her relationship with him was Trevor. All of the abuse had taken away any good memories that she had shared with Rick, and she was actually glad for it. She knew that it would be harder on her if she could remember any of the truly good stuff, but all of it was clouded with hate now.

"Let's go to bed, Trevor baby." Juliet said softly, as she lead her son toward her bedroom. She shut the light off after Trevor had crawled into bed and wrapped himself up in his blue blanket.

Right before her eyes drifted close, she caught sight of her alarm clock. Less than six hours until her first day at the Santa Barbara PD. She was definitely weary about working with another man on the police force, but Chief Vick had promised that Detective Lassiter was completely professional.

* * *

><p>Juliet walked slowly up the front steps, and into the precinct. She was definitely nervous, her shaking hands proved that, but she tried her hardest to shove the nervousness down and put a smile on her face. Looking around, she tried to find the desk marked, <em>Detective Lassiter<em>, but from her current angle she couldn't see any of the names on the desks.

That's when she saw the chief's door open, and an attractive man waltzed out. When she noticed that he was walking toward her, she assumed that he must be Detective Lassiter.

"You must be Detective Carlton Lassiter." Juliet said quickly, before continuing, "You're much younger than I thought you would be."

The detective chuckled, "Please. I am not one Carlton Lassiter. Lassie actually injured himself, and is stuck on desk duty for the foreseeable future. My name is Shawn Spencer, and I'll be your partner for the foreseeable future."

Juliet smiled softly, "Nice to meet you, Detective Spencer." She stuck her hand out for him to shake.

Shawn cringed, "Please. It's Shawn. No need to be all professional with the names."

"Nice to meet you, Shawn."

"Nice to meet you, Juliet." Shawn smiled. "Look, Lassiter is taking care of our paperwork, and we don't have an active case right now. How about I give you the grand tour, and then we hit up some breakfast?"

Juliet eyed him carefully. "Breakfast?"

Shawn shrugged, "I left in a rush this morning, didn't have time to indulge in something delicious. It was just a suggestion, we can just drive around the city for a while if you'd rather?"

Juliet sighed, she didn't want to seem ungrateful toward Shawn, but she also wasn't expecting to work with someone so close in age … and so handsome. "I guess breakfast is alright."

Shawn smiled a little lopsided at her, "Fantastic. Now, the tour." Shawn went to put his hand on her shoulder, but Juliet skirted it, and cringed. Shawn didn't miss a step, acting like he hadn't even noticed how she seemed to want to run in the opposite direction of him. "This beauty, is my desk." He paused, and Juliet watched as his expression changed to that of sadness and happiness. It was definitely an odd expression, which intrigued her to find out what had caused such a look. "This is my baby girl, Maggie. She's eight months old." He whispered.

Juliet's eyebrow cocked slightly, unsure exactly why a picture of his daughter would make him sad and happy at the same time. Whenever Juliet looked at pictures of Trevor, she always had the biggest smile on her face. Even if he did resemble his father slightly, she didn't care. Trevor was the only light in her dark life.

"She's gorgeous." Juliet gushed softly, as she took in the picture of Maggie.

"Looks just like her mom." Shawn answered, offering Juliet a sad smile. "Moving on. This is Lassie, he's a bit of a crab-apple."

"Leave me alone, Spencer." Lassiter barked.

"You wouldn't know it, but we're partners. He's really quite lovely once you annoy all of the crabbiness out of him."

Juliet couldn't help the chuckle that slip out of her mouth.

"Lassie, say hello to our new detective, Juliet."

"Hello." Lassiter answered without even picking up his head.

Shawn shook his head, "Moving on." Shawn walked her down a long hallway and then took the few steps. "Interrogation room, or, as I like to call it. Good cop," Shawn stopped to point at himself, "bad cop." He finished, as he pointed up the stairs, before pointing toward the opposite side of the room. "Holding cells." He turned a corner and walked halfway down the small hallway. "Evidence room." He walked the rest of the way down the hallway and stopped at the doors. "Autopsy room."

Juliet nodded, "This precinct is bigger than I thought it would be."

"Where did you transfer in from?"

"Miami. I didn't think I'd work in another big precinct."

Shawn shrugged, "Well, Miami has multiple precincts, right?" When Juliet nodded her head, he continued, "This is the only precinct in Santa Barbara, so it has to be pretty big to house all the officers and detectives."

"That makes sense," She answered. "So, breakfast?"

"Right! There is this diner that has the best pancakes! It's a must have in Santa Barbara."

"Sounds perfect."

* * *

><p>The waitress sat down a plate in front of Juliet and Shawn. Juliet had ordered scrambled eggs with bacon, while Shawn had gone for pineapple covered pancakes.<p>

"That is definitely unique." Juliet said, around a bite of her eggs.

"The pancakes … or the pineapple?"

Juliet shrugged. She liked pancakes alright, they weren't her favorite, but they weren't disgusting either. "I guess the combination. I don't think I've ever seen anyone get pineapple on their pancakes before."

Shawn grinned, covering his already sloppy pancakes in syrup before speaking. "That is quite a shame, Juliet. Pancakes are delicious, pineapple is delicious. Mix them both together and you've got one giant slab of delicious flavor!"

Juliet chuckled before rolling her eyes. "So, what made you decide to become a cop?"

Shawn shrugged, "I grew up around it. My dad was a beat cop for most of my childhood. He taught me everything he knows … and he thinks he knows it all."

Juliet smiled, "That definitely makes sense."

Shawn's eyes twinkled mischievously. "What made you decide to become a cop?"

"I honestly don't know. I guess maybe my father too."

"Oh, your dad was a cop too?"

Juliet shook her head, "No, he was on the opposite end of the law."

Shawn nodded, "That makes sense as well."

"So, if you don't mind, tell me a bit more about yourself. I mean, aside from being a father."

Shawn's mouth drew up in grim line, "Well, I was married for nearly six years. About eight months ago, Abby gave birth to our beautiful Maggie." He sighed, "There were complications. Most of the words they said went over my head. All I know is that she just started to bleed. There was so much blood, and I couldn't do anything to help her."

Juliet's lip trembled as she watched a tear drip down Shawn's cheek. "I am so sorry, Shawn. I didn't mean to pry."

Shawn shrugged. "I feel better telling you, than to have you find out via office gossip. Today is actually my first day back on the job. I took a prolonged leave of absence. Anyway, care to tell me a bit about yourself?"

Juliet sighed, she had promised herself that she would keep her past in the past when she moved to Santa Barbara. However, she didn't know how she felt about keeping parts of the truth from Shawn after he had just shared one of the saddest stories she had heard in forever.

"Well, I was married as well, for about five years. It just didn't work out in the end though. He worked as a detective at the same precinct that I worked in, so I decided that a change in scenery was in effect for me and my son."

Shawn smiled, "Oh, you have a child as well?"

Juliet nodded, "Trevor. He's three." She grabbed out her wallet from her purse and pulled out one of the few pictures of Trevor that she kept in there.

"Oh, that is one handsome little dude!"

"Thanks."

"So, how about we do a mini tour of the city … while maybe looking for some bad guys?"

Juliet nodded, "Sounds great."


End file.
